A Drones Club tale, featuring Nelson Cork and Percy Wimbolt.

This story has got to be the epitome of "British Humor", with the tongue-in-cheek daffiness that makes it so funny. If anyone asks for an example of humor of this type, I would tell them "read 'The Great Hat Mystery' ".

In the Drones Club, it remains the talk of the smoking room. Exactly what happened and how it happened is still a great mystery. It all began with Percy Wimbolt, a large, stout man with a head like a watermelon, and Nelson Cork, a short, shrimp of a fellow with a head like a peanut. Both ran into each other at Bodmin's hattery where they were getting fit for lids to impress their lady-friends.

A Bodmin hat was never questioned to have an impeccable fit. If Bodmin made it, it fit and there were no two ways about it. Nelson and Percy said their hellos, spoke of their loved ones. Percy about Elizabeth Bottsworth, who came up to about his belt buckle in height, and Nelson about his Diana Punter, who towered over him making his small size seem even smaller. Having been measured, Percy and Nelson parted ways.

It was while waiting for his hat to arrive days later that Percy looked out his window to see the most horrific sight. Bodmin's delivery boy and a chum were out on the sidewalk in front of Percy's house, each wearing a top hat and parading up and down the sidewalk with sophisticated affectation. Percy let out a scream, the boys, upon hearing this, put the hats back in the boxes and ran off. Percy was on his way to Elizabeth's house, so he picked up the hat box and continued.

When he arrived and the maid called for Elizabeth to come down, Percy put the hat on in preparation for her arrival. When Elizabeth saw the hat on Percy she let out a gurgling scream. Once she calmed down, she asked him what theatre he was performing at to have such a ridiculously small hat on his large head.

To Percy, this was not acceptable. She might not like the color or the hat's contours, but the fit? There was no questioning a Bodmin hat. The hat fit. Elizabeth argued and Percy curbed his tongue, choosing to leave and go to the Drones Club for a refresher.

Meanwhile, Nelson Cork had pretty much the same encounter. Once his hat arrived, he took the box and shot off to Diana Punter's. This hat on Nelson's head caused Diana to calmly remark, as they strode down the street, that it seemed to her that Nelson should take the extra effort to have his hats measured for fit, rather than take them off the rack.

Nelson sizzled upon this remark. This was a Bodmin hat, he was measured by Bodmin himself, so the only answer was that Diana needed her eyes examined. She could not be seeing things as they really are. Words were exchanged, and Nelson bid her adieu to go by himself around the corner to the Drones Club, where he bumped into Percy Wimbolt.

They both were of blue aspect, each singing the woes of womanhood. Percy was aghast that Elizabeth had thought his hat too small. Nelson the same with Diana's reaction to his lid. How could anyone, I ask you, man or woman, possibly question the fit of a hat from Bodmin's? That, too, was a mystery here.

After the drinks, the two martyrs decided to leave and picked up their hats at the cloakroom as the attendant handed the hats to them. Each thought of the other chap's problem. If only a mediator were to step in and enlighten the mixed-up women on the inscrutable measurements of a Bodmin's hat, well, that would clear things up and bring them all back to together. Percy made a bee-line to Diana Punter's to plead for Nelson. Nelson, in turn, instructed the cab driver to take him to Elizabeth Bottsworth's.

Later, a tall, stout Percy confronted, eye-to-eye, the tall, svelte Diana Punter. Before he could engage in his counsel for the defense, Diana gazed at him and told him how marvelous she thought his hat looked on his head. Suddenly, Nelson's case was placed on the back burner. Percy noted also what a marvelous looking woman was this tall thing of beauty. He let the subject remain on him and his perfectly-fitting hat.

About this time, short, shrimpy Nelson was being invited in by an equally short and shrimpy Elizabeth Bottsworth, who's initial greeting was what a beautiful hat he was wearing and how well it fit, as opposed to certain ex-friends she had who should remain nameless. That Elizabeth was a beautiful woman whose primary physical attribute was that she was as tall (or short) as Nelson was made for a more impressive tete-a-tete. And he only wanted to hear more of how well his Bodmin hat fit. Diana Punter, he recalled, had felt it hung down over his ears like a candle extinguisher.

This Elizabeth Bottsworth has better vision and taste, and it seemed to Nelson that this line of conversation was one that he should pursue.

So, the news was not long in coming that two nuptials were announced, that of Percy Wimbolt and Diana Punter, and Nelson Cork to Elizabeth Bottsworth.

And the hat mystery? There was no doubt, according to Eggs, Beans and Crumpets, that it was surely one for the Fourth Dimension, and it was not for Humankind to understand. Some things are just sent to us.